today i reflect on holidays in general. out of curiosity, educator of the cat, i came to visit my blog to discover that it had been exactly three months since i last published. there were many drafts, most of which i just deleted into technological oblivion. it has been quite a few months.
highlights included recognizing the end of the line as a hoarder and purging over half of my belongings, chopping over two feet of hair off (collectively through four haircuts, both the first and last given to myself, by myself) and singing in the wedding of a couple i considered to be cherished and close friends, who i haven't heard from since.
yesterday was thanksgiving - a holiday i have no respect for and can't, for the life of me, understand why people still celebrate. that said, i was wishing for the opportunity to gather with friends or family and give thanks. as i attempt to live every day in a heightened state of graciousness, i found it ironic that for a variety of challenging moments yesterday, i was bitterly disappointed and biblically covetous. the programming of my upbringing often leaves me feeling rather lonely on holidays that don't really compute with my adult belief systems and yesterday i was beside myself with longing for my sons to be together. due to losing our house, they haven't seen eachother in almost seven weeks. they have never been apart for more than two weeks since joshua was born. i would have given anything for a place to bring them together in asheville this week, but am thankful we will have a new home together soon.
christmas has a similar feel, although the act of giving gifts makes all types of confusion more bearable. i am looking forward to having a live tree again this year, my favorite shared tradition of christmas and solstice, that will fill our new home with the piney scent of the surrounding woods. combined with cinnamon, nutmeg and apple cider brewing on the stove i can spend several weeks swimming in the fondest of my childhood memories. i am looking forward to the next month of baking and crafting with the children in my life and manifesting a good man to rock in the new year with.
i enjoy the pagan holidays with their unassuming rituals and lack of mandate the most. i appreciate cultural traditions that bear no judgement and leave room for creativity. i am most thankful that we have a home to celebrate solstice in next month and look forward to this winter bringing a deeper understanding of myself and a more balanced approach to my environment. i welcome the opportunity to practice my social skills while pushing myself to practice and perform more in the coming year. from solstice to imbolc i will be constructing the bouyant foundation necessary to surf into the new world.
this time a year ago i was planning my 40th birthday party and falling head over heels in love with one my oldest and dearest friends. he disappeared more quickly than he manifested and left me broken and confused. i allowed myself to fall deeper into the confines of being a mistress while fabricating elaborate excuses for my behavior. the summer provided two flights of fancy to fondle my fragile mind. not one, but two hustlers, reflecting my own distorted views of companionship and loyalty. one man, my age, who turned my world upside down for two weeks leading up to independence day and then disappeared just as quickly as he had appeared. he allowed me the perspective of becoming professionally proactive without the burden of financial concern. independence, in deed! that, and the seemingly endless orgasm of our physical relationship, were phenomenal gifts. his disappearance also pointed out the fact that i am susceptable to playing the blind fool. this awareness was immediately tested by the touch of the second hustler, under which i was quickly branded a failure, once again. hopefully, i have since extinguished any willingness to play the fool. or the town crier. or the clown. damn that warren haynes song and the deeply penetrating influence of one dead-but-risen relationship with one ever-attentive piedmont man. i must have sang it, and believed it, one too many times. "and i'll be the one that used to worship you...."
the significance of the second hustler, and the inspiration for writing about holidays, is that the submarine window of time we were interwoven, 8 hours, was on the anniversary of my marraige 17 years earlier. (17 ~ 8) it was also a shocking and unexpected union after having taken an intense and varied interest in said hustler 8 months earlier. since it had never occured to me he would take a sexual interest in me, my fantasy had been to write and record an album with him. i was calling it "gem.in.eyes". in the days before we came together physically i was working up a proposal to get involved with him professionally as a booking agent, promoter and/or choreograper. tragically, instead, we shared a bed. it was over the subsequent aftermath of confusion and disconnect i learned that this man had given up celebrating holidays for his intimate partner. no birthdays. not hers. not his. no anniversary of their love. no remembrance of st. valentine. no day of the dead, with all it's sane significance in his story. this was unfathomable to me, the holiday girl of yore. what i eventually realized is that many people give things up for love. same sex friendships, career aspirations, favorite pieces of furniture, holiday orgies and even the celebration of the anniversary of the consummation of that love. instead of seeking the love that gives without end, many settle for companionship in it's most comfortable form and give up what is deemed necessary to maintain that illusion of security. god, i decreed, don't let that be me.
so today i remind myself that every day i wake up is a reason to celebrate. that you don't need the name holiday to find a reason to gather and toast to life. that denying any reason to celebrate is an invitation into the darker side of existence. that there should be no excuse to commemorate the mistakes, failures and incarcerations of life - especially by denying those dates that remind us we are good and that we have found other sources of goodness. the day someone makes you feel undeniable love is a day to be remembered. a day when someone professes their love to you or claims you are an inspiration to love or makes a commitment to love you....all of these shall be celebrated.
today i remind myself that there is no need for shame in maintaining any existence. just as there is no call for pride. that appearing hidden is to hide. that when i am called to love, i will love unconditionally and without fear. that as sure as i'm born and feel your breath on my ear, your presence is near.
the captain of my cruise will knock on my door. he will show me what our love is for. he will take me to the stage from the dance floor and we will travel the world on tour. of all this, i am sure.
happy birthday.
you are love(d).
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