something happened recently. i was caught off guard in the bedroom, which doesn't happen often. that's not to say i don't find myself pleasantly surprised sometimes, or even awakened. what caught me off guard is the aftermath that i can't seem to shake. a whole new part of my psyche seems to have been tapped and my physical being is experiencing cravings like a teenager. cravings i didn't even know i had.
this brings to mind my recent theory that my inner child is finally a teenager. i don't care what you think about inner children or if you entertain yours or deny it. i will say denying your inner child may leave you eternally neglected and therefore, difficult to live with. i used to make fun of such notions, but when i began heart centered hypnotherapy in 2003, i was informed that my inner child was still a toddler. where most people become emotionally stunted or psychologically scarred around the 7-11 age range, i had barely gotten my emotional psyche out of diapers. my therapist told me that if i ever hoped to have functional relationships i better focus on maturing what i had just referred to, jokingly, as my inner bitch. not old enough to be considered a bitch, she was just lonely, hungry and mean.
so over the last eight years, with a roll call of therapists and invaluable friends, i have raised that little hellion into a hellish teen. i told my seventeen year old son recently that he's likely still a couple years older than me, emotionally, but that i'm working double time and should finally catch up in my 40's. hopefully, by the time i have grandchildren my inner child will be a responsible adult.
recently i behaved in a way that i would not classify as being a responsible adult. possibly a carefree one. possibly a very stupid one. i pushed some boundaries against my better judgement and invited some psychological stretching that i hadn't bargained for. i have never had anyone tell me about their significant other and then advance physically. when i offered the security of a crashpad, i was still just hoping to share a caravan induced meal on the road the next day. jaded by a professional crush and already wet from the signature scent of a working man's sweat, i was surprised by how incredibly turned on i was by a man i had just watched puke his guts out an hour earlier. somehow my pussy was throbbing for someone with little to no concern for karmic retribution and no obvious inclination to treat me with any modicum of respect. i found myself wondering how the sound of someone's voice could outweigh the words they choose? i will say, in support of any new experience which transcends your previous concept of norms, my sexual psyche has opened up to a whole new vocabulary in the last week or so and to very positive accolades. words that i used to find offensive i have now considered tattooing on my body. things i would never have thought i would enjoy have been finding their way into my fantasies. phrases like "suck my cock, evil cunt" have taken on a whole new meaning. not that he said anything that offensive, just that my mind has now gone there with easy abandon. that's the part that has caught me off guard - the psychological aftermath has been on par with a week in detroit rolling like a rock star with joey mac, his gorgeous baby blues and that massive amount of manhood. hours of evolutionary ecstasy over the last week or so, inspired by nothing more than a little harmless petting. well harmless, except for the foul sentiments and attempted roughness, shockingly interspersed with gentle reassurances, erotically charged massage and the sweetest arms i've ever slept in. those eyes don't hurt either. or i meant, they don't help. because aftermath class is over. the teacher has left the building.
the triggers were things like being told to be quiet in a hotel room. i'm a woman who can make some noise. the presence of a third person in the room, sleeping or pretending to sleep is irrelevant, is it not? it's still landing on the decadent, potentially disrespectful side of the line. i'm pretty sure the last time i fooled around with someone else in the room, not a consenting participant, i was 16. then there were phrases like "you know you want to....", "you can't tell anyone, do you understand me?" and the refusal to accept my simple "no" as a simple truth. there were other things, but i don't wish to embarrass anyone. really. the reality is i was, and am still, turned on by the incident. i can't shake the sensation of hot breath on the back of my neck when i hear his voice. i can feel his fingertips digging into my shoulder. i can still smell him because the experience was so psychologically charged.
it was a night full of intense triggers and at one point i even had to display weakness, which really pissed me off. he said "that's a good girl" which brought back a rush of fuzzy memories with renewed clarity. noone had ever pulled that trigger before. the third time he said it i resisted the temptation to remove his knee cap with my bare hands and quietly asked him not to say it again. it was in his favor that i had refused to put my mouth anywhere near his penis or he might have a few less inches to work with.
his ability to not utter this phrase again only encourages my desire to get past myself and be a good girl for him. i told myself the next day i would work that trigger myself, so that if we ever came together again i could beg him to say it. in defiance of myself and his expectations, over the last couple of weeks i've been a childish, judgemental bitch who amplifies her presumed loneliness by isolating herself even further. it's much easier to be presumptuous and condescending to someone than to be authentic and rejected. being a bitch often seems like the safest route for me. i am comfortable with isolation. despite displays of aggression and dominance, the reality is this man displayed such depths of self-control as we lay together in those few short hours that i am inspired to be more like him. taking what he wants, without expectation, judgement or fear of consequence. knowing securely when he's right and when he's wrong and being equally comfortable with both. it's not a bad gig if you can live with it.
i wonder sometimes if my abuse will always be triggered. i believe that a solid partner is in my immediate future and that when i explore my sexuality with the same man for a decent period of time, i will be healed. i believe a tortured soul can be fully healed. i believe in enlightenment. i have come farther than i ever would have thought possible, so i know the journey will continue to evolve with growth and confidence. as a professional, the healing process that i have learned to facilitate through being a client of so many amazing therapists is one of the greatest gifts of my journey. the amount of knowledge that they have collectively shared is immense and only compliments my path as a practitioner. the grateful reality of my personal life, is that every relationship i've ever had has been better than the last. as long as life continues to get better, can you really be brazen enough to complain? even my clandestine relations with that man on the rise.... when he was my boyfriend years ago, the sex was great, but our involvement over the last year has been even better. it may be the decadence of the situation or it could be attributed to having other lovers with other skills, but you get the point - i can't really complain. companionship with someone intelligent and funny is invaluable, and if you get to have sex there's an added bonus. intimacy only enhances your connection and someone who stimulates you to think and to laugh can only serve your evolution as an intelligent, humorous being. sexual transmutation is not only a tool to think and grow rich, it is one of the most powerful keys to our evolution as a species. the person you have sex with every day is either driving you toward your destiny or standing in your way.
the only thing i ask for is someone who understands my desires: to perform, record and travel while blazing mental fires. an outlaw who's mind and manhood merge to ignite me with precision, while harnessing my passion, riding me to develop a vision. i would like to travel the world with a strong man in my day to day, sharing some time in the spotlight and believing by pointing the way. i would dance for a rhinestone cowboy who surprises me now and again, by knowing what triggers to pull - which ones, how hard and when. click. boom. pow. how ya like me now?
7.31.2011
the future of sex
with the political arena currently polluted by manipulation, shame and ignorance, it would seem we are coming to a head, so to speak, about how our future looks. we are split down the middle in our extreme desires for controlling the destination of humanity. on the one hand we have hot button's like the "woman's right to know" bill, also known as a woman's right to practice her patience while being piously informed on the potential prizes and pitfalls of her promising pregnancy, pushed by people who might beat their daughter for wearing a push-up bra, and would certainly beat their son for such behavior. on the other hand we have hedonists who have learned to find balance in the orgiastic lifestyle of pursuing pleasure while raising brilliant families with open minds and new ideas in fruitful communities that accept all walks of life. somewhere in the median lies the creative common consciousness. aka: our future.
i know that i will likely always reside in the leftist extreme of society, but i do know a few folks who are more comfortable living all the way to the right. this causes me to attempt to atleast visualize a happy medium, even though i may never embrace it as a lifestyle. within the realm of sexuality, we need new boundaries for affecting all the many aspects of life that our sexuality affects. most in need of reform are media and education. both of these factions are immense and profoundly affect our future by shaping our youth.
we can no longer afford to entertain people afraid of talking about sex with children, while we pump it down their throats on the boob tube. we are currently living in a world where predators are spoon fed victims. it is time to let go of the idea that subliminal sex is anything less than blatant programming. the boundaries must envelop what has been learned about the brain - researchers are willing to share information with parents, as well as advertisers, so don't allow yourself to be complacently ignorant or you are a huge part of the problem. did you know that the part of the brain activated by heightened action in movies (horror, explosions, suspense) is the same area stimulated by sex scenes? the earlier you activate this part of the brain, the earlier you are inviting a myriad of attractions and interests. my advice is to teach children how their brain works, as well as practices like meditation, breathwork and tantric yoga so that they might learn to harness and control their own natural, organic urges as they develop.
we must also educate entire communities about the presence and proper treatment of sexual predators. the signs of potential abuse are easy to read and communicate, once you know what to look for. and for the record, incarceration nor castration solve the predator problem. every predator is also a victim. productive rehabilitation is founded on compassion and understanding the root of sexual issues. it requires custom combinations of treatment modalities with progressive minds, creating a safe environment to address mental health; but that's a vast topic for another day.
regarding a more balanced sexual culture, the media could also choose to respect brain development, as well as the neuroscience of the adult brain, instead of using our brains against us, so to speak. to respect the media's indomitable influence on the future and place that as a priority over the current state of the dollar when developing marketing resources would be an evolutionary jump. stations could begin to explore finances that favor therapeutic and preventative solutions to optimum health over pharmaceutical solutions to a wealth of maladies: locally grown food providers over fast food chains. commercials for books and records as often as commercials for movies. programming that raises the quality of life by expanding consciousness. the explosion of programming does provide more choices and the real solution is choosing your media wisely. choose to pay $10/month for netflix and avoid commercials all together. choose to buy magazines that advertise products that strive to co-create a future you are aligned with. conscious consumerism is the single most important thing you can do to level the playing field and save this country. some might say save the world.
the highest future we can imagine values the common consciousness while celebrating the unique perspective. it allows for each of us to live in the present moment and celebrate the bliss that becomes available in any given scenario. this opinion breeds open mindedness beyond what some of us are currently capable of. i prefer to respect the organic growth of attraction wherever it sprouts and explore the depths of mutual awareness. the universe orchestrates nothing by coincidence and creates a fertile environment for constant evolution. if we deny the things that transform us transcendentally, we deny our ability to evolve. many presume hedonism is only about fulfilling the desire for physical pleasure, but pleasure begins and ends in the brain. sometimes placing boundaries, even choosing monogamy, provide a bliss that is secure and comforting beyond physical companionship or orgasm, so i would prefer not to be misunderstood regarding my opinions on monogamy (closed relationship) vs. polygamy (open relationship) or the validity of either.
the future should cover obscene amounts of pleasure while respecting the innocence of the young and curious. this is far more simple than some would have you believe. the future must also provide acceptance for whatever defines pleasure for any individual at any point in their journey - provided, of course, that all shared activities are consensual. there are a huge amount of human beings alive right now who are not able to experience pleasure - this void contributes to most of the maladies that plague our world culture. i believe most of these blockages toward pleasure are the result of suppression, neglect or trauma experienced at an earlier time. in our current culture, many people are plagued by elements of shame. by definition shame denotes pain, the opposite of pleasure but often a stop along the way. the body holds emotions like shame and allows them to affect our daily lives, much like a text book can contain lies that shape future generations. most of us agree that our history defines our future. i also believe that history can be redefined within the body. i have experienced extreme healing by reprogramming physically stored memories that are causing chronic physical conflict/pain. these are exercises that not only release pain, but in turn heighten pleasure. in a form of make-believe, we can make what we choose to believe about a traumatic event and release ourselves from debilitating circumstances. it will never change what happened, but it does change our physiological response to it.
our journey to sexual wholeness through the pleasure principal may have some surprising stops along the way. some of you might mock the idea of what others find pleasureable. i can give a myriad of examples of odd fetishes that you think you couldn't possibly wrap your mind around, followed by an explanation of how that fetish developed and develop such a sense of compassion in you, that you just might want to help that freak heal their way to ecstasy. you might not, of course, but i've seen it happen. let's take a mainstream example that usually brings extreme reaction - anal sex. now if you bring up anal sex in a group of people, you'll see two faces - embarrassment mixed with disgust or horror and a few sheepish grins. those who judge deserve to be taken - anally, of course.
the reality of anal sex is two fold positivity that i hope i can explain without disturbing anyone. the current statistics reflect that many of the people who crave it and find enjoyment of it, are attempting to heal. they are scratching a justified itch, if you will. a large percentage of those sexually violated were anally molested or penetrated.
note: one in three humans between the ages of 4 and 14 are sexually abused - that discludes cases like mine that began in infancy, as well as those that begin during puberty, dismissing alot of step-parent/teacher/mentor scenarios that occur between ages 14 and 24. also, it is becoming obvious that as many boys as girls are sexually compromised in their youth. and with the example of anal sex, you have to include prison sex which encompasses a wealth of grown men, some of whom were never molested as children or young adults. being anally penetrated without your consent is extreme trauma. just in case anyone wasn't clear on that.
the body ultimately only releases physically stored trauma through reprogramming, so both receiving anal stimulation helps release stored trauma (by addressing an area of the body that is holding trauma in a loving and accepting way you provide cellular release of the blockage or stigma) and playing out your trespassers role in a different manner (with consent) can bring psychological peace. if you can recreate something that was violent, like rape, or mentally compromising, like incest, and make it a peaceful and loving act then you have created an entirely new awareness around the event. this includes acts that some might find violent or disturbing. if your first sexual impulses were felt, involuntarily, when being stripped and spanked - this is not unusual in a generation where this disciplinary practice was common - then getting spanked can be a real turn on.
let's take it even further - people who pee on one another freak you out, right? how does it change your perspective to learn that the guys dad used to urinate on him in the middle of the night, drunk? or that the girls mother beat her every time she had an accident over the age of five, so she would hold her bladder to extremes, even on road trips at the age of eleven or twelve because her father wouldn't pull off the road and her brothers had no trouble peeing in bottles. so the conservative secretary with her shirt buttoned all the way up likes to pee on her attorney boyfriend in the shower - why do you care? it has nothing whatsoever to do with you.
understand that our sexual preferences are constantly changing throughout our lives. something that turns you on like clockwork now may repulse you ten years from now. something that you hated last week, may be your favorite activity by next month. the universe cast seeds with purpose and when you're the gardener you get to reap what you sow.
in the past, present and future, one of the advantages to keeping a committed relationship that satisfies you sexually is that you have that safe place to explore your boundaries and let go of inhibitions while heightening your ability to experience pleasure. nobody knows you quite like the person willing to explore your sexual boundaries on an ongoing basis. in a more perfect world we could build these committed sexual relationships while giving one another the freedom to explore our attractions and reflect the talents of others. in a perfect world, we would create safety while recognizing that variety is the spice of life.
which brings us to the second fold of my anal sex example, which should be making the entire topic less taboo on a daily basis. that is the fact that without anal exploration of your male lover, you're never going to find the male g-spot. on that note, i realize the g-spots deserve their own blog post.
i hope this discourse has atleast inspired you to think about the future of sex. how to teach your kids about it, how to talk about it at a cocktail party, how to be overtly sexual without disturbing your neighbors.... whatever needs to happen, just don't leave sex out of the equation as it is a crucial factor of success. there are a growing faction of people that would have you believe in places like hell and would like you to give money to a church and read the bible daily instead of visiting your local sex shop and devouring some tome on awareness and ecstasy while fantasizing with your lover. they would have you believe that all they need is a few weekly (or monthly!) visits behind closed doors in the missionary position while their kids are at youth group or grandma's, when we all know that one or both of them has a secret stash of stimulators or a special steward on the side. almost 60% of people admit to infidelity (54% of women, 57% of men) and that's the ones who are willing to admit it. they can't all be leftist liberals or we would have control of congress.
the truth is - i don't care what kind of closet you're living in, it's way past time to take down the doors. know what you like. talk about it. be willing to listen and learn. that's what i say anyway. the future is upon us. let the games begin!
i know that i will likely always reside in the leftist extreme of society, but i do know a few folks who are more comfortable living all the way to the right. this causes me to attempt to atleast visualize a happy medium, even though i may never embrace it as a lifestyle. within the realm of sexuality, we need new boundaries for affecting all the many aspects of life that our sexuality affects. most in need of reform are media and education. both of these factions are immense and profoundly affect our future by shaping our youth.
we can no longer afford to entertain people afraid of talking about sex with children, while we pump it down their throats on the boob tube. we are currently living in a world where predators are spoon fed victims. it is time to let go of the idea that subliminal sex is anything less than blatant programming. the boundaries must envelop what has been learned about the brain - researchers are willing to share information with parents, as well as advertisers, so don't allow yourself to be complacently ignorant or you are a huge part of the problem. did you know that the part of the brain activated by heightened action in movies (horror, explosions, suspense) is the same area stimulated by sex scenes? the earlier you activate this part of the brain, the earlier you are inviting a myriad of attractions and interests. my advice is to teach children how their brain works, as well as practices like meditation, breathwork and tantric yoga so that they might learn to harness and control their own natural, organic urges as they develop.
we must also educate entire communities about the presence and proper treatment of sexual predators. the signs of potential abuse are easy to read and communicate, once you know what to look for. and for the record, incarceration nor castration solve the predator problem. every predator is also a victim. productive rehabilitation is founded on compassion and understanding the root of sexual issues. it requires custom combinations of treatment modalities with progressive minds, creating a safe environment to address mental health; but that's a vast topic for another day.
regarding a more balanced sexual culture, the media could also choose to respect brain development, as well as the neuroscience of the adult brain, instead of using our brains against us, so to speak. to respect the media's indomitable influence on the future and place that as a priority over the current state of the dollar when developing marketing resources would be an evolutionary jump. stations could begin to explore finances that favor therapeutic and preventative solutions to optimum health over pharmaceutical solutions to a wealth of maladies: locally grown food providers over fast food chains. commercials for books and records as often as commercials for movies. programming that raises the quality of life by expanding consciousness. the explosion of programming does provide more choices and the real solution is choosing your media wisely. choose to pay $10/month for netflix and avoid commercials all together. choose to buy magazines that advertise products that strive to co-create a future you are aligned with. conscious consumerism is the single most important thing you can do to level the playing field and save this country. some might say save the world.
the highest future we can imagine values the common consciousness while celebrating the unique perspective. it allows for each of us to live in the present moment and celebrate the bliss that becomes available in any given scenario. this opinion breeds open mindedness beyond what some of us are currently capable of. i prefer to respect the organic growth of attraction wherever it sprouts and explore the depths of mutual awareness. the universe orchestrates nothing by coincidence and creates a fertile environment for constant evolution. if we deny the things that transform us transcendentally, we deny our ability to evolve. many presume hedonism is only about fulfilling the desire for physical pleasure, but pleasure begins and ends in the brain. sometimes placing boundaries, even choosing monogamy, provide a bliss that is secure and comforting beyond physical companionship or orgasm, so i would prefer not to be misunderstood regarding my opinions on monogamy (closed relationship) vs. polygamy (open relationship) or the validity of either.
the future should cover obscene amounts of pleasure while respecting the innocence of the young and curious. this is far more simple than some would have you believe. the future must also provide acceptance for whatever defines pleasure for any individual at any point in their journey - provided, of course, that all shared activities are consensual. there are a huge amount of human beings alive right now who are not able to experience pleasure - this void contributes to most of the maladies that plague our world culture. i believe most of these blockages toward pleasure are the result of suppression, neglect or trauma experienced at an earlier time. in our current culture, many people are plagued by elements of shame. by definition shame denotes pain, the opposite of pleasure but often a stop along the way. the body holds emotions like shame and allows them to affect our daily lives, much like a text book can contain lies that shape future generations. most of us agree that our history defines our future. i also believe that history can be redefined within the body. i have experienced extreme healing by reprogramming physically stored memories that are causing chronic physical conflict/pain. these are exercises that not only release pain, but in turn heighten pleasure. in a form of make-believe, we can make what we choose to believe about a traumatic event and release ourselves from debilitating circumstances. it will never change what happened, but it does change our physiological response to it.
our journey to sexual wholeness through the pleasure principal may have some surprising stops along the way. some of you might mock the idea of what others find pleasureable. i can give a myriad of examples of odd fetishes that you think you couldn't possibly wrap your mind around, followed by an explanation of how that fetish developed and develop such a sense of compassion in you, that you just might want to help that freak heal their way to ecstasy. you might not, of course, but i've seen it happen. let's take a mainstream example that usually brings extreme reaction - anal sex. now if you bring up anal sex in a group of people, you'll see two faces - embarrassment mixed with disgust or horror and a few sheepish grins. those who judge deserve to be taken - anally, of course.
the reality of anal sex is two fold positivity that i hope i can explain without disturbing anyone. the current statistics reflect that many of the people who crave it and find enjoyment of it, are attempting to heal. they are scratching a justified itch, if you will. a large percentage of those sexually violated were anally molested or penetrated.
note: one in three humans between the ages of 4 and 14 are sexually abused - that discludes cases like mine that began in infancy, as well as those that begin during puberty, dismissing alot of step-parent/teacher/mentor scenarios that occur between ages 14 and 24. also, it is becoming obvious that as many boys as girls are sexually compromised in their youth. and with the example of anal sex, you have to include prison sex which encompasses a wealth of grown men, some of whom were never molested as children or young adults. being anally penetrated without your consent is extreme trauma. just in case anyone wasn't clear on that.
the body ultimately only releases physically stored trauma through reprogramming, so both receiving anal stimulation helps release stored trauma (by addressing an area of the body that is holding trauma in a loving and accepting way you provide cellular release of the blockage or stigma) and playing out your trespassers role in a different manner (with consent) can bring psychological peace. if you can recreate something that was violent, like rape, or mentally compromising, like incest, and make it a peaceful and loving act then you have created an entirely new awareness around the event. this includes acts that some might find violent or disturbing. if your first sexual impulses were felt, involuntarily, when being stripped and spanked - this is not unusual in a generation where this disciplinary practice was common - then getting spanked can be a real turn on.
let's take it even further - people who pee on one another freak you out, right? how does it change your perspective to learn that the guys dad used to urinate on him in the middle of the night, drunk? or that the girls mother beat her every time she had an accident over the age of five, so she would hold her bladder to extremes, even on road trips at the age of eleven or twelve because her father wouldn't pull off the road and her brothers had no trouble peeing in bottles. so the conservative secretary with her shirt buttoned all the way up likes to pee on her attorney boyfriend in the shower - why do you care? it has nothing whatsoever to do with you.
understand that our sexual preferences are constantly changing throughout our lives. something that turns you on like clockwork now may repulse you ten years from now. something that you hated last week, may be your favorite activity by next month. the universe cast seeds with purpose and when you're the gardener you get to reap what you sow.
in the past, present and future, one of the advantages to keeping a committed relationship that satisfies you sexually is that you have that safe place to explore your boundaries and let go of inhibitions while heightening your ability to experience pleasure. nobody knows you quite like the person willing to explore your sexual boundaries on an ongoing basis. in a more perfect world we could build these committed sexual relationships while giving one another the freedom to explore our attractions and reflect the talents of others. in a perfect world, we would create safety while recognizing that variety is the spice of life.
which brings us to the second fold of my anal sex example, which should be making the entire topic less taboo on a daily basis. that is the fact that without anal exploration of your male lover, you're never going to find the male g-spot. on that note, i realize the g-spots deserve their own blog post.
i hope this discourse has atleast inspired you to think about the future of sex. how to teach your kids about it, how to talk about it at a cocktail party, how to be overtly sexual without disturbing your neighbors.... whatever needs to happen, just don't leave sex out of the equation as it is a crucial factor of success. there are a growing faction of people that would have you believe in places like hell and would like you to give money to a church and read the bible daily instead of visiting your local sex shop and devouring some tome on awareness and ecstasy while fantasizing with your lover. they would have you believe that all they need is a few weekly (or monthly!) visits behind closed doors in the missionary position while their kids are at youth group or grandma's, when we all know that one or both of them has a secret stash of stimulators or a special steward on the side. almost 60% of people admit to infidelity (54% of women, 57% of men) and that's the ones who are willing to admit it. they can't all be leftist liberals or we would have control of congress.
the truth is - i don't care what kind of closet you're living in, it's way past time to take down the doors. know what you like. talk about it. be willing to listen and learn. that's what i say anyway. the future is upon us. let the games begin!
7.30.2011
lay low lay
looking back over another successful week of alienating some while endearing others, i have more than my usual fare to be thankful for. i can only attribute the influx of positivity to making clear choices about unhealthy relationships and practicing the art of laying low. while i have been attempting to contact my mother on an almost daily basis, apparently to her chagrin, my father has left messages for me that i haven't found the capacity to return. the love triangle continues to scathe my psyche despite the twenty years they've been divorced and the seven years since i've laid eyes on him. it had been five months since i'd spoken to him when i called on father's day. fuck hallmark.
the best news of this week is that my step-mother, well "ex" step-mother, got custody of my brother. for those not in the know, i will briefly catch you up. just over a year ago my step-mother left my father. just under a year ago she came out of the closet and moved in with her lover. in january i helped them get custody of my sister, but my brother chose to live with my father. this has been a concern to me ever since. after only a few months, my intelligent, black, texan brother in all of his 16 years of despite-being-raised-pentecostal-wisdom realized he would be better off to leave his friends behind on the coast and start over near austin with sabrina, d'anne & hannah. i am eternally proud of him. and wish our dad didn't owe him almost a grand. but i suppose it could be worse - it could be twelve grand.
the next concern on my list of "why didn't i press charges and let him die in prison years ago?" is the fact that my father has been hired by some company, in new jersey of all places, who hire nationwide for mall santas, and the only requirement is that you grow a beard! said company then pays to ship you across state lines and house you while you play santa for six weeks, in a town where you know noone and then disappear never to be seen again. really? this seems so blatantly stereotypical that i have to assume i was right about why joshua has never dared near a santa of any sort. it epitomizes the holiday obsession i grew up with and terrorizes my hope for the future as i imagine hundreds of children lined up to sit on my daddy's lap.
on a positive note i have two leads on venues where i can eradicate havoc with restoration and creation. with various levels of work offered, i look forward to exploring a host of modalities that assist the body in releasing blockages, increasing flexibility and accessing pleasure zones and life principles that will revolutionize your bliss. i have spent many hours this week studying old notebooks and reading new material, exploring deeper levels of ecstatic healing than i had previously thought possible. not only are sessions proving to release chronic pain, but are accessing new portals of energy in areas which were pain free. until a public space is available, i am making house calls. i am also applying for certification as a sex educator and studying to enhance my path as a sacred bodyworker by adding the skills of a dakini or tantrika. the forties are about hot shoes, top shelf booze, rockin' blues and doing whatever the fuck you choose. so saith the white trash goddess.
and yes, hater, i do believe i am a goddess.
i even believe your sorry ass is a goddess, too.
and his beautiful, sane wife whom you so lovingly refer to.
she's a goddess of fear for little people like you.
bless you, boo.
and your little heart, too.
the best news of this week is that my step-mother, well "ex" step-mother, got custody of my brother. for those not in the know, i will briefly catch you up. just over a year ago my step-mother left my father. just under a year ago she came out of the closet and moved in with her lover. in january i helped them get custody of my sister, but my brother chose to live with my father. this has been a concern to me ever since. after only a few months, my intelligent, black, texan brother in all of his 16 years of despite-being-raised-pentecostal-wisdom realized he would be better off to leave his friends behind on the coast and start over near austin with sabrina, d'anne & hannah. i am eternally proud of him. and wish our dad didn't owe him almost a grand. but i suppose it could be worse - it could be twelve grand.
the next concern on my list of "why didn't i press charges and let him die in prison years ago?" is the fact that my father has been hired by some company, in new jersey of all places, who hire nationwide for mall santas, and the only requirement is that you grow a beard! said company then pays to ship you across state lines and house you while you play santa for six weeks, in a town where you know noone and then disappear never to be seen again. really? this seems so blatantly stereotypical that i have to assume i was right about why joshua has never dared near a santa of any sort. it epitomizes the holiday obsession i grew up with and terrorizes my hope for the future as i imagine hundreds of children lined up to sit on my daddy's lap.
on a positive note i have two leads on venues where i can eradicate havoc with restoration and creation. with various levels of work offered, i look forward to exploring a host of modalities that assist the body in releasing blockages, increasing flexibility and accessing pleasure zones and life principles that will revolutionize your bliss. i have spent many hours this week studying old notebooks and reading new material, exploring deeper levels of ecstatic healing than i had previously thought possible. not only are sessions proving to release chronic pain, but are accessing new portals of energy in areas which were pain free. until a public space is available, i am making house calls. i am also applying for certification as a sex educator and studying to enhance my path as a sacred bodyworker by adding the skills of a dakini or tantrika. the forties are about hot shoes, top shelf booze, rockin' blues and doing whatever the fuck you choose. so saith the white trash goddess.
and yes, hater, i do believe i am a goddess.
i even believe your sorry ass is a goddess, too.
and his beautiful, sane wife whom you so lovingly refer to.
she's a goddess of fear for little people like you.
bless you, boo.
and your little heart, too.
sex, drugs, rock & roll
the pressure of a maiden voyage into the official blogosphere is immense. what to write about? where to begin? i decided to start with a thru-line. as long as i can remember, all three of these elements have contributed to who i am this time around. my best guess is, this blog will always fall under the category of either sex, drugs, music or all three. you can also expect far fetched opinions on films, books and locals.
my name is christina and i live in asheville. north carolina has become not only the state in which i was born and raised, but a symbol for higher expectations in the new world. i believe in the soil where i plant my seeds. i believe there are many here who will see 2020 and be influential in shaping a new way of life for humanity. i don't care to make this a chronological history lesson on why i am what i am. i don't care to make excuses for offending you or to offer explanations for my sometimes warped perspective. i do vow to tell the truth on any given day as i see it through my unique set of balls. my eyeballs are my only organic set, but i have a nice collection of ebony and steel.
between piles of laundry that breed like catholics and beanie babies by the dozen displaying adventure scenarios in every room, i live in a rock and roll fantasy. just outside the picture window in my den, cow fields become stadiums all over the world and the best of the bovine raise their lighters when i do that one ballad about how you wore a muumuu the first time we made love. you know who you are. i write songs with a full band in my mind and i'm constantly changing the line-up. it's so much easier to roll over personnel without having to actually get attached to their quirky awesomeness or fire them face-to-face. since they never knew they were your star bass player, they're not disappointed when someone else suddenly is. someday perhaps i'll get out of my head and actually sing with a band.
the drugs aspect of my life isn't nearly as exciting as it should be, but this isn't amsterdam. of course, neither is amsterdam for much longer. the only thing i can say on a personal front is that i'm 100% for the end of prohibition against marijuana and believe the insidious plague of prescription drugs that, more often than not, inhibit the body's natural ability to heal should be inserted anally into any right-wing, homophobic, racist nutjob you can hold down long enough. that's right - the entire plague - that's a little bit of every blue, pink and purple pill that over half the nation is taking ground up into one junkie's dream of a suppository. wham. bam. thank you ma'am.
speaking of sex, i'm in a renewed place of exploration. a third of my life has passed and i realize i still haven't realized so many simple fantasies. after a decade of virtual calm in the bedroom i have been re-introduced to the sexual revolutionary i claimed to be in the late 80's and early 90's. in reigniting conversations and interests after so many years the most blatant realization is that our world is still stuck in a proverbial chokehold when it comes to sex. if anything, i think our culture may have regressed; and the illusions of rom-com cute meets and life long monogamy are more disturbing to me now than they were 20 years ago. somewhere between bending my ex-husband over and fucking him up the ass with a 12-inch black dildo and raising a man who would hopefully never warrant such a fantasy against him, lies a starving musician with grey streaks in her hair and a serious interest in the male multiple orgasm. the xinaphiles are not to be taken lightly, but you shouldn't ever take them too seriously either. mature audiences only.
i am an anti-feminist raising two men in a world that values brawn and bosom over intellect and supports a system led by greed and mass programming of mass confusion, while exhibiting a work ethic that resembles futility. some days i am suicidal. some days i am homicidal. every day, i believe humans are designed to overcome trauma, oppression and challenges of the natural world with fundamental skills that allow the mind to control the matter. i believe physical maladies are the direct result of emotional issues that the conscious mind is refusing to address. i believe i have initially failed at most of the things i have attempted, but through patience and perseverance have learned countless skills and experienced extreme successes. i believe i have a perspective that has the power to comfort, heal and hopefully amuse. welcome to my world.
my name is christina and i live in asheville. north carolina has become not only the state in which i was born and raised, but a symbol for higher expectations in the new world. i believe in the soil where i plant my seeds. i believe there are many here who will see 2020 and be influential in shaping a new way of life for humanity. i don't care to make this a chronological history lesson on why i am what i am. i don't care to make excuses for offending you or to offer explanations for my sometimes warped perspective. i do vow to tell the truth on any given day as i see it through my unique set of balls. my eyeballs are my only organic set, but i have a nice collection of ebony and steel.
between piles of laundry that breed like catholics and beanie babies by the dozen displaying adventure scenarios in every room, i live in a rock and roll fantasy. just outside the picture window in my den, cow fields become stadiums all over the world and the best of the bovine raise their lighters when i do that one ballad about how you wore a muumuu the first time we made love. you know who you are. i write songs with a full band in my mind and i'm constantly changing the line-up. it's so much easier to roll over personnel without having to actually get attached to their quirky awesomeness or fire them face-to-face. since they never knew they were your star bass player, they're not disappointed when someone else suddenly is. someday perhaps i'll get out of my head and actually sing with a band.
the drugs aspect of my life isn't nearly as exciting as it should be, but this isn't amsterdam. of course, neither is amsterdam for much longer. the only thing i can say on a personal front is that i'm 100% for the end of prohibition against marijuana and believe the insidious plague of prescription drugs that, more often than not, inhibit the body's natural ability to heal should be inserted anally into any right-wing, homophobic, racist nutjob you can hold down long enough. that's right - the entire plague - that's a little bit of every blue, pink and purple pill that over half the nation is taking ground up into one junkie's dream of a suppository. wham. bam. thank you ma'am.
speaking of sex, i'm in a renewed place of exploration. a third of my life has passed and i realize i still haven't realized so many simple fantasies. after a decade of virtual calm in the bedroom i have been re-introduced to the sexual revolutionary i claimed to be in the late 80's and early 90's. in reigniting conversations and interests after so many years the most blatant realization is that our world is still stuck in a proverbial chokehold when it comes to sex. if anything, i think our culture may have regressed; and the illusions of rom-com cute meets and life long monogamy are more disturbing to me now than they were 20 years ago. somewhere between bending my ex-husband over and fucking him up the ass with a 12-inch black dildo and raising a man who would hopefully never warrant such a fantasy against him, lies a starving musician with grey streaks in her hair and a serious interest in the male multiple orgasm. the xinaphiles are not to be taken lightly, but you shouldn't ever take them too seriously either. mature audiences only.
i am an anti-feminist raising two men in a world that values brawn and bosom over intellect and supports a system led by greed and mass programming of mass confusion, while exhibiting a work ethic that resembles futility. some days i am suicidal. some days i am homicidal. every day, i believe humans are designed to overcome trauma, oppression and challenges of the natural world with fundamental skills that allow the mind to control the matter. i believe physical maladies are the direct result of emotional issues that the conscious mind is refusing to address. i believe i have initially failed at most of the things i have attempted, but through patience and perseverance have learned countless skills and experienced extreme successes. i believe i have a perspective that has the power to comfort, heal and hopefully amuse. welcome to my world.
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