something happened recently. i was caught off guard in the bedroom, which doesn't happen often. that's not to say i don't find myself pleasantly surprised sometimes, or even awakened. what caught me off guard is the aftermath that i can't seem to shake. a whole new part of my psyche seems to have been tapped and my physical being is experiencing cravings like a teenager. cravings i didn't even know i had.
this brings to mind my recent theory that my inner child is finally a teenager. i don't care what you think about inner children or if you entertain yours or deny it. i will say denying your inner child may leave you eternally neglected and therefore, difficult to live with. i used to make fun of such notions, but when i began heart centered hypnotherapy in 2003, i was informed that my inner child was still a toddler. where most people become emotionally stunted or psychologically scarred around the 7-11 age range, i had barely gotten my emotional psyche out of diapers. my therapist told me that if i ever hoped to have functional relationships i better focus on maturing what i had just referred to, jokingly, as my inner bitch. not old enough to be considered a bitch, she was just lonely, hungry and mean.
so over the last eight years, with a roll call of therapists and invaluable friends, i have raised that little hellion into a hellish teen. i told my seventeen year old son recently that he's likely still a couple years older than me, emotionally, but that i'm working double time and should finally catch up in my 40's. hopefully, by the time i have grandchildren my inner child will be a responsible adult.
recently i behaved in a way that i would not classify as being a responsible adult. possibly a carefree one. possibly a very stupid one. i pushed some boundaries against my better judgement and invited some psychological stretching that i hadn't bargained for. i have never had anyone tell me about their significant other and then advance physically. when i offered the security of a crashpad, i was still just hoping to share a caravan induced meal on the road the next day. jaded by a professional crush and already wet from the signature scent of a working man's sweat, i was surprised by how incredibly turned on i was by a man i had just watched puke his guts out an hour earlier. somehow my pussy was throbbing for someone with little to no concern for karmic retribution and no obvious inclination to treat me with any modicum of respect. i found myself wondering how the sound of someone's voice could outweigh the words they choose? i will say, in support of any new experience which transcends your previous concept of norms, my sexual psyche has opened up to a whole new vocabulary in the last week or so and to very positive accolades. words that i used to find offensive i have now considered tattooing on my body. things i would never have thought i would enjoy have been finding their way into my fantasies. phrases like "suck my cock, evil cunt" have taken on a whole new meaning. not that he said anything that offensive, just that my mind has now gone there with easy abandon. that's the part that has caught me off guard - the psychological aftermath has been on par with a week in detroit rolling like a rock star with joey mac, his gorgeous baby blues and that massive amount of manhood. hours of evolutionary ecstasy over the last week or so, inspired by nothing more than a little harmless petting. well harmless, except for the foul sentiments and attempted roughness, shockingly interspersed with gentle reassurances, erotically charged massage and the sweetest arms i've ever slept in. those eyes don't hurt either. or i meant, they don't help. because aftermath class is over. the teacher has left the building.
the triggers were things like being told to be quiet in a hotel room. i'm a woman who can make some noise. the presence of a third person in the room, sleeping or pretending to sleep is irrelevant, is it not? it's still landing on the decadent, potentially disrespectful side of the line. i'm pretty sure the last time i fooled around with someone else in the room, not a consenting participant, i was 16. then there were phrases like "you know you want to....", "you can't tell anyone, do you understand me?" and the refusal to accept my simple "no" as a simple truth. there were other things, but i don't wish to embarrass anyone. really. the reality is i was, and am still, turned on by the incident. i can't shake the sensation of hot breath on the back of my neck when i hear his voice. i can feel his fingertips digging into my shoulder. i can still smell him because the experience was so psychologically charged.
it was a night full of intense triggers and at one point i even had to display weakness, which really pissed me off. he said "that's a good girl" which brought back a rush of fuzzy memories with renewed clarity. noone had ever pulled that trigger before. the third time he said it i resisted the temptation to remove his knee cap with my bare hands and quietly asked him not to say it again. it was in his favor that i had refused to put my mouth anywhere near his penis or he might have a few less inches to work with.
his ability to not utter this phrase again only encourages my desire to get past myself and be a good girl for him. i told myself the next day i would work that trigger myself, so that if we ever came together again i could beg him to say it. in defiance of myself and his expectations, over the last couple of weeks i've been a childish, judgemental bitch who amplifies her presumed loneliness by isolating herself even further. it's much easier to be presumptuous and condescending to someone than to be authentic and rejected. being a bitch often seems like the safest route for me. i am comfortable with isolation. despite displays of aggression and dominance, the reality is this man displayed such depths of self-control as we lay together in those few short hours that i am inspired to be more like him. taking what he wants, without expectation, judgement or fear of consequence. knowing securely when he's right and when he's wrong and being equally comfortable with both. it's not a bad gig if you can live with it.
i wonder sometimes if my abuse will always be triggered. i believe that a solid partner is in my immediate future and that when i explore my sexuality with the same man for a decent period of time, i will be healed. i believe a tortured soul can be fully healed. i believe in enlightenment. i have come farther than i ever would have thought possible, so i know the journey will continue to evolve with growth and confidence. as a professional, the healing process that i have learned to facilitate through being a client of so many amazing therapists is one of the greatest gifts of my journey. the amount of knowledge that they have collectively shared is immense and only compliments my path as a practitioner. the grateful reality of my personal life, is that every relationship i've ever had has been better than the last. as long as life continues to get better, can you really be brazen enough to complain? even my clandestine relations with that man on the rise.... when he was my boyfriend years ago, the sex was great, but our involvement over the last year has been even better. it may be the decadence of the situation or it could be attributed to having other lovers with other skills, but you get the point - i can't really complain. companionship with someone intelligent and funny is invaluable, and if you get to have sex there's an added bonus. intimacy only enhances your connection and someone who stimulates you to think and to laugh can only serve your evolution as an intelligent, humorous being. sexual transmutation is not only a tool to think and grow rich, it is one of the most powerful keys to our evolution as a species. the person you have sex with every day is either driving you toward your destiny or standing in your way.
the only thing i ask for is someone who understands my desires: to perform, record and travel while blazing mental fires. an outlaw who's mind and manhood merge to ignite me with precision, while harnessing my passion, riding me to develop a vision. i would like to travel the world with a strong man in my day to day, sharing some time in the spotlight and believing by pointing the way. i would dance for a rhinestone cowboy who surprises me now and again, by knowing what triggers to pull - which ones, how hard and when. click. boom. pow. how ya like me now?
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