have i told you lately that i love you?

this morning started as late as yesterday was long, but i woke up in a fantastic mood - excited about the tasks of the day.  i decided that i was in such a good mood, that i was willing to risk it by attempting to contact my mother again.  our last conversation included the declaration from her that while she really hoped to spend some time with joshua soon, she didn't really want to see me.  she said she was just ready to give up.  she claimed that family members were concerned about me and implied that they follow me on facebook and write her asking about my life.  i find it curious that all these people are concerned yet none of them bother to contact me.  i'm not sure if my family is just a bunch of crazy stalkers or my mother is a lying fruit bat.  god bless her broken heart.

she also told me she wished i would try medication, so that i could get along better with my teenager (he is a teenager) and my employers (most of whom have been just as certifiable as i am) and her, of course.  because medication works so well for her.  she's anxiety ridden to the point that she's had a headache for the last 5 months.  i don't want to take one pill to get along, then another to sleep, then another for the mess in my stomach that the first two pills are causing.  i've watched countless people choose or be put upon that path and i've NEVER seen it work long term.  i know NOONE who is happier or wealthier or more anything than they were before a year or ten years of prescription drugs.  i have watched alot of people become very ill after many years and some people get crazier when it comes time to ween off the crap.  i had one family member that, after an amazing life 50+ years long which included a beautiful wife and four great kids, was put on anti-depressants for the first time in his life just over a year ago.  less than a month later he hung himself.  i'm not taking meds, mom.  you must accept that. 

in the near future, medicinal marijuana will be available and you'll finally start to see and hear testimonials to natural self-medication.  as needed.  right now, i'm going to stick with holy basil, meditation and screaming bloody murder when the urge strikes me.  i will continue to let out my rage in the healthiest ways i know how and process the memories as they come, but i will not numb my mind to make the process more bearable.  while i would love some emotional support, i can handle it.  i firmly believe the universe doesn't deliver anything we can't handle by our own evolutionary powers, until it's time to give up the ghost and get back to the real work on the other side.  i also believe every death holds it's purpose, which means that last task we couldn't handle was designed with just as divine a purpose as every challenge that stretches and shapes us into our authentic selves while we are alive.

so.... at the end of that conversation i told her that she was welcome to give up on me but that i would continue, every day, to open my heart to her and hope that our relationship would eventually heal.  i told her i would try again tomorrow.  the next day i called her.  and the next day i called her.  and then today, after a week struggling not to be depressed that she wasn't making any attempt to contact me via phone or email, i called again.  she answered.

she proceeded to tell me that she was disgusted by me and that my writing was pure filth.  that she didn't want to talk to me or for me to write to her and that while she would really like to talk to joshua and to see him she could not look at me.  wow.  the only phrase she brought up was from a facebook note where i expressed a fantasy of sodomizing my ex-husband with a dildo.  i didn't use the word rape and you couldn't convince me he wouldn't enjoy it on some level.  sick, vile pedophile that i presume him to be.  she said i needed to censor myself to protect my family.  where was she when i was campaigning against censorship with ian on my hip?  i was reminded of when she saw my first tattoo, japanese symbol for the word "poetry" and no bigger than a quarter, and proclaimed that "only sailors and whores get tattoos".  i wish i'd been clever enough to shout back that i wasn't ever going to join the navy.  instead i just laughed and walked away.  i was eighteen and she'd just ripped a band-aid off my arm in front of my friends.  it was, in fact, comical.

i pray to the powers of the universe that my mother can have some sort of awakening.  something that allows her to see my mental health issues as real concrete results of my childhood abuse.  that she can understand that the things i do and the way i handle things is not unique, or even crazy, but common among the faction of humanity that has experienced the same or similar experiences that i had while in her care.  i pray that she will see that i do accept my part, that i daily take responsibility for my children and the way my process and lack of skills has affected them.  that i take responsibility for breaking the chains.  i pray that she will realize writing about bending someone over is healthier than bending someone over against their will - or sometimes even with their consent, if they give it out of fear or obligation.  i wish she could see how hard i have worked to stop spreading the poison i was programmed to spew.  i wish she could understand how difficult it is to reprogram trauma and to break the generational chains of abuse; to end the domino effect that victims can perpetrate in their communities.  i wish she would hold me and nurture me and encourage me.  i wish she would tell me with conviction that everything is going to be okay.  i wish she could take responsibility for her part in this play.


The following is taken from a website for a women's treatment center (www.wiit.com):

The women who come to WIIT for incorporation therapy are often very frightened by what is going on inside themselves. They are depressed, angry, hurt, confused. They suffer from anxiety and panic attacks, they have trouble sleeping, they see pictures or hear voices, they make unhealthy relationship choices, their marriages or families are in trouble. Some have been involved with drugs, alcohol, sexual acting out, bingeing/purging, compulsive spending, etc. Most are bothered by suicidal thoughts or feel very tired of life.

What is dissociation?
Dissociation is a gift that everybody has to help them survive overwhelming events. It is a separation of the body and mind which occurs as a result of trauma... the body is trapped in the traumatic event, but the mind escapes. This is a highly developed survival skill which is recognizable from outside the victim by a fixed gaze with a slow or non-response to external stimuli or a marked change in mood, affect, and/or behavior.
 
What is "Incorporation Therapy?"
Incorporation Therapy is a proactive approach to the stabilization of the internal crisis and chaos that is the hallmark of those suffering from Dissociative Disorders. The approach is two pronged. These are very intelligent and creative people. It is their very intelligence and creativity that allowed them to "escape within themselves" when they were small and physically defenseless. So there is a strong didactic component to the program which helps them to understand how and why they got the way they are. This accomplishes a number of things. To begin with it helps them to begin to realize that they are not "crazy" and that they might possibly be able to get well. It also starts to take some of the terror out of their experiences and frees them to begin to talk about what's really going on inside them. At that point they can begin to learn some techniques to help them stay grounded and present... On the other hand, since these women have relied so heavily on their cognitive system for survival, it is best to work with them therapeutically from an emotional approach. Incorporation therapy focuses on the loss of self in the trauma episode. Therefore, the identification, acceptance and forgiveness of self are important if the patient is to gain a healthy internal relationship with self... In the final stage, Incorporation therapy is a patient driven revisiting technique that allows an individual to recover what they had lost during a traumatic event and to resolve the emotional component connected to a memory of traumatic loss.


i include this excerpt, as opposed to just linking to the website, because i think this passage explains alot, in layman's terms, about the experience i've had.  in addition, it discusses some of the modalities i've received in the last eight years, as well as the type of self-therapy that i engage in daily.  i am fully aware that i have a dissociative order to contend with.  i started leaving my body at a terrifically young age.  i can't be exactly sure but i believe by age three or four.  several of my therapists have said since the first incident.  it was explained to me that because i was so young - only a few months old - i had likely not lost the skill yet of astral projection.  it is one of the gifts typically unlearned as we are experientially integrated deeper into the physical plane.


this is their treatment philosophy at WIIT:

We Help Women Reclaim Their Lives. It is our belief that while the women we treat are suffering and in many ways have become dysfunctional, they are strong, intelligent and creative. Our goal is to help our patients recognize and experience their strengths and talents, which up until now have been invested in a survival effort which often relates back to childhood. We then focus on teaching them how to redirect their strengths and talents towards reclaiming themselves and building their lives.

We Foster a Positive Atmosphere. Atmosphere is very important to our program. Our women's unit is small and maintained separately from the rest of the hospital. The unit is not run in a strictly traditional manner. All of our patients are voluntary; there are no restraints used and there is no time out or isolation room. We treat the results of trauma in women: Depression, grief, loss, compulsive behaviors, self harm, Dissociative Disorders and PTSD. We support recovery and 12 step involvement for those with addiction or eating disorder problems, but we do not do primary treatment in those areas. We do not initiate abreactive work on the unit. We do not allow acting out or self destructive behavior. This is accomplished by making our standards known and having the patients contract with us regarding their behavior. The peer experience on the unit is positive. The grouping with other motivated women with similar problems helps them to "share the secret(s)."


i include this one on the off chance that my mother might actually read it and it will offer some sort of focus on how to understand me and my healing process enough to desire a relationship with me.  that it might encourage her to learn something about my issues and how professionals recommend dealing with them, instead of just wishing i could wiggle my nose and move forward, without another thought of the past.  my favorite statement on the website is "our goal is to help our patients recognize and experience their strengths and talents, which up until now have been invested in a survival effort which often relates back to childhood".  i wish she could recognize my strengths and talents and understand that so much of my mental and physical energy has been spent in an effort to survive. 

she would like me to suppress, as i did most of my life, as opposed to purging and healing.  the reality is i will no longer suppress, because suppression of toxicity causes dis.ease.  plain and simple.  i am healthy and intend to stay that way by continuing to address my mental health as needed.  it has been nine years since what i refer to as active recovery began and twenty-three years since the first time she and my father drove me to a therapist against my will and addressing my mental health is still a daily requirement.  i use the term active recovery because anything i did before my source memories surfaced wasn't actively addressing my real problems.  talking about rape and divorce and bad relationships was never going to heal me from childhood sexual abuse if i couldn't acknowledge that abuse as the root of all the other problems.  daily self-care is worth the time it takes to not use prescription drugs and continue to get healthier every day while experiencing the full range of emotions i was designed to experience.  an hour or five - it is worth every minute to me. 

someday i hope my mother can respect that.  someday i hope she will be able to encourage me along the path that i pave and occasionally even visit me and walk with me there.  someday i hope she will realize that mine is a beautiful life with nothing to be afraid of.  someday i hope she will find her way back to the source of unconditional love.  and i know it's a long shot, but someday perhaps she will even find something about me that fosters respect.  on this day, i respect myself and that's all i have control of.  i do so love this life.  enough that even in times of little companionship and even less compassion i will march on.  left.  right.  left, right, left.  breathe.  strut.  breathe, strut, breathe.