hunger

Found in a draft folder from 8.11.11:

"i wake up daily with my belly growling and satisfy it with glasses of water and fiber tablets.  i worry about my son's headaches as i ration out cheese and peanut butter and pear slices.  i wonder why my head is throbbing and i remember that i drank dinner because it's easier to get people to buy you booze than food.  i thought our $120 in food stamps would be available two days ago but i forgot they changed the processing date this summer.  we have four more days and then we can go buy some food.  every day seems longer than the one before it.  we'll be careful and only get what we need, and we'll keep rationing to try and make it last a whole month.  we'll go get the most affordable groceries, provided we can get to the grocery and back after putting $3.45 in coins in the gas tank yesterday.  the gas light is still on.  i wonder how i might get a storage unit for a few things if we get evicted.  i wonder how i got here.  i wonder if there is a time in my future where i don't feel totally and completely alone.  i don't know how to move.  i am stuck in this body with this mind.  i am frozen in fear and loathing, wishing for a string of men, who will pay me for my time and my touch and my nakedness.  i have already crossed all the lines in my mind and now i'm just biding my time.  my body aches for food and affection.  i don't care anymore about the consequences.  i just want to survive."

Almost 7 years later, 3.3.18:

I lost my home 2 months after I wrote this. I took my son to my mother's home & lived in my van for 2 months. After 18 months of vomitting every time I brushed my teeth.... due to PTSD and the surfacing of repressed memories, some of my teeth began to fall apart.

I received Section 8 and found an apartment to bring home my youngest son. So much loss in the previous years (2008-2011 was a severe period of my life) leading to so much healing and growth.

By 2012, I had found resolve. I practiced acceptance daily. As I repaired my affordable apartment I began my journey with EMDR. Eye Movement Desensitization & Reprocessing has healed my brain in many ways and empowered me to transform my life.

Today I return to Austin, TX for the first time in 16 years. I am heading to one of the most rewarding conferences in the entertainment industry, SXSW. Platinum pass for this leader in Edutainment. I am in graduate school, healthier than I've been in almost 20 years. My son is thriving.  I launched a podcast last month, Full Disclosure Asheville. I love my life.

So here's the thing. Embrace your plight. Write and sing your prayers. Believe in yourself. Hold on. Time does heal all wounds. Travel in multiple dimensions and seed your wildest dreams.

Hold on to your hunger, and allow it to feed your soul. You are full of breath and life. You shall overflow ((((((((O))))))))